Meditating on Grandma’s Floor
TIMELESS REVELATIONS
5 / 12 / 2026
A sense of peace arises in my system.
For one whole second, I am floating.
I literally just felt pure peace, I thought to myself. God that was incredible, I’m still close, let me go back…I drift in and out of it again and again as I sit on my grandparent’s living room floor. There is absolutely no where else I’d rather be than in this moment.
It’s 2022 and I am meditating.
Sa, Ta, Ma, Na.
I learned the mantra from a Gabby Bernstein book and coincidentally, a spiritual mentor (that I didn’t realize was a spiritual mentor at the time) had recommended it.
I hum softly as I touch each finger to my thumb:
pointer finger (Sa),
middle finger (Ta),
ring finger (Na),
pinky finger (Ma).
Repeat.
The meaning (I never through to look it up until now as I write this. Funny enough, it seems to be exactly what was happening at that time):
Sa: birth, infinity, cosmos, beginning
Ta: life, existence
Na: death, transformation
Ma: rebirth, regeneration
I start my day blissed out, excited, and with a wide open heart.
I was temporarily living at my grandmother’s house after leaving my job at Memorial Sloan Kettering in NYC and transitioning out of working in gyms and teaching as an adjunct professor for Thomas Jefferson University. (It makes me giggle writing all of this…thinking about how much I was doing at once).
I was in the beginning stages of going full time with my business that I had been gradually building alongside all of the other jobs. I had a handful of private clients at the time so I was only working a few hours per day and I had stopped training in the gym due to hormonal issues. My grandparents were down in Florida, so I had the house to myself.
For the first time in a long time… it was just me.
And I was going through a complete identity crisis. I didn’t know who I was anymore outside of productivity, achievement, and movement.
Not to mention, I was finding, it seemed the government could no longer be trusted. My relationship to the world itself was changing.
I was angry because I wanted to travel and move out west, but I felt so much anxiety around leaving my family. Truthfully, there were times I resented them for how deeply conflicted I felt. I loved them and still wanted freedom. Both were true.
I was scared because my friendships seemed to be changing. I no longer partied for health reasons. The way I related to people was changing.
My body was changing. I felt puffy all the time and had gained close to 35lb in a few short months. At the same time, I was healing from heavy burnout. I began sleeping through the night. I found out I actually had it in me to nap. My hair even started to curl again.
So much of the identity I had built my life around was dissolving all at once.
And yet… underneath all of it, I was beginning to touch deep peace.
When I read back my journals from that time, the entries fluctuate between terror and clarity. Anxiety and revelation.
On January 31st, 2022, I wrote:
“Every period of our life is not going to feel great. But it can be lived. And felt fully. And it can be real. I’m the most me I’ve ever been. I have to give myself that. I’m not really sure who ‘me’ is anymore but at the same time I know. I know her. And I’m thankful for her because she’s cooler than I’ll ever be. There are so many things that feel so wrong and uncomfortable right now, but also so many things that feel right. It’s all so new but at the same time so familiar.”
Looking back now, I think that was the beginning of me understanding something important:
Peace is not the absence of uncertainty.
That realization changed me forever because I think so much of human suffering comes from believing life is somewhere else. That peace exists in some future version of ourselves. That something important hasn’t happened yet.
But sitting on my grandmother’s living room floor in 2022, I touched something that felt more real than all of that.
It defintely wasn’t because my life was perfect or I felt “aligned” all of the time. Actually quite the opposite. But maybe that’s why I could feel life again.
I think we are all just trying to feel our hearts fully in each moment, which I don’t think it’s ever too late for. That is just fear speaking. And fear is a teacher I refuse to follow.
So what if…
Everything is already here?
It’s so easy to get caught in fear, the what if’s, the stories that seem to hold so much power over us and the “I don’t know how I’d survive that.”
And yet somehow, when life arrives, we do.
There are a million reasons to close and not feel fully, to believe we are unworthy, unfinished, behind, too much, not enough. A million reasons to keep waiting for the next achievement, relationship, healing modality, amount of money, or thing to buy before we fully allow ourselves to live.
But something extraordinary happens when we choose love instead.
Not love as an idea but as presence and fully meeting the moment we are already creating.
From my experience and many others I’ve worked with, this is where healing really begins.
Since then, I’ve done my best to translate the profound effects of spiritual, emotional, and energetic healing and how delicately they intertwine with our physical health and our existence here.
Over the years, I’ve become increasingly sensitive and began noticing experiences during meditation, breath work, and healing sessions that I couldn’t really explain logically at the time.
At some point, I realized my hands were constantly buzzing. So alongside meditation and breathing, I began exploring my own energetic awareness more deeply and eventually sought out teachers and practitioners who helped me better understand what I was experiencing.
At first, I questioned it. Then my ego loved the idea of having a superpower. Now, I know - it’s literally what it means to inhabit ourselves fully and be human. So I simply slow down, connect, and listen.
It’s never been about fixing the body. It’s about learning how to come back to our relationship with life again.
And following your heart might just be the most wonderful, most important, and greatest adventure you’ll ever take.