GANGSTA’S PARADISE
7 / 1 / 2026
Dec. 2024
I’m disturbed. Fighting.
Trying to get away.
But I can’t.
My body isn’t moving. My voice isn’t coming out.
I am dreaming. But I am also awake.
The dream (or nightmare) is messed up and I don’t want to be dreaming it. I feel weird about it, as if I am responsible.
Somehow I know it’s a dream. But I am also experiencing it.
I finally break out of it as I feel control over my body again and an alertness that lets me know I’m fully awake. Thank God it’s over.
Until I see it.
With my awake, conscious eyes.
Hovering a few inches off the floor. A grey cloaked figure. A few feet away from the lower right edge of my bed.
I can’t believe it. I’m seeing it!
I wonder if this is the shadow that has also been involved in all of the other episodes.
I’m no rookie to sleep paralysis. I’ve been through it before. Feelings of being held down, unable to yell, pulled out of my bed… all of it. The more it happened, the quicker I recovered because I had built enough evidence it would always end.
But I had never seen anything before.
I’ve always wondered if the “force” or “being” I sensed was real. Or if it was just my mind imaging things, putting a story to it. Either way, I would experience something that felt threatening and out of my control.
For some reason, in this moment, the feeling of seeing it felt way less scary than experiencing the perceived lack of control.
As I look at this being, something comes over me.
I remember every moment leading up to now where I chose to let love into my being. Every time I’ve sat with my own body and mind and let love into the places I wanted to change the most. Not just physically. But emotionally. Every time I noticed the subtle resistance in my body that wouldn’t relax, the thoughts in my mind that wouldn’t stop, the mistrust in my body’s innate wisdom, the fear that existed inside of my being. There was no “overcoming”, no dominating, no forcing, no finally changing myself. There was only a surrender to a love that always seemed to be knocking on my door, trying to get in. And when remembered, it engulfs everything into its loving, infinite embrace.
The fear loses its grip and I consciously choose not to feed it. Instead I call on this deep love, letting it run through my body as long as I can possibly stay with it. I intend to send it toward this being, trusting — so much it feels like knowing — that being in my heart is much stronger than it.
I witness it evaporate almost as quickly as I saw it.
It all happens in a matter of 20 seconds.
Part of me wanted it to remain a little longer so I could inspect it. Really understand it. But I already met it with so much love, there was nothing else to do.
“I love you. I do not fear you. Thank you for finally revealing yourself to me, to see clearly, and the opportunity to choose”, is what I feel inside.
Something landed in my system — even stronger than before — about how loved I am, and how I am always held by love, and here to embody it.
To the reader: If there's anything I hope this story offers, it’s a gentle reminder that you are love(d) too. That whatever shadows you encounter, within or outside yourself, you do not have to meet them with fear. You can meet them with the deepest love you know.
Writing this piece has been a joy because it gave me words for something I've felt and am always trying to translate but never fully articulated my living experience. Putting language to it and seeing the connections feels like eating the best cannoli you've ever had, only better.
What feels harder is embracing being an artist.
Being an artist means sharing my experiences without telling you how to think about them. It means allowing what I've lived to stand on its own and trusting that it will meet you wherever you are. It leaves me vulnerable to misunderstanding, judgment, and disagreement.
Oddly enough, that feels like part of the art.
Maybe that's what artists do. They tell the truth of their experience as honestly as they can, and then they let it belong to the world.
Cheers, to embracing that.
P.S. If you caught the Gangsta's Paradise reference, thanks for smiling with me. It was the only title that captured the feeling of walking through the shadow without giving fear the final word.